Failing Advent

I have grand plans. I read others' Christ-focused, Be Still, Make Memories Christmas blogs and I think, "Yes! This is the year!" The is the year we are going to be still and joyful and Christ-centered, but this is also the year we will make a lot of Christmas memories doing a lot of Christmas memory-making things that are sugar- and red-dye- and anxiety- and sensory-overload free because decorating the tree is not an excuse to argue with your sister! A DYSREGULATED DEFIANT MELTDOWN IS NOT BEING STILL! IT IS NOT!

This year Amor Ministries sent us an Advent Calendar with the challenge to cultivate a mission-focused life during this time of preparation. We love Amor. Amor has helped to build our family as we have helped to build its homes. So I thought, "Yes! This is the year we disrupt the Christmas craziness with amor, with love."

Night one we lit the Hope candle in our Advent wreath. Hope for the promise. "For you will have a son, and you will give him ---" Whoosh. The Hope candle lasted all of three seconds. We consider it a success that nothing else caught fire.

We tried a couple of "Disrupt Advent" challenges, in random order, because in our family disruption needs advance preparation. The best yet most difficult, ironically, was the "night without electricity," which we shortened to the "after I finish cooking we will eat dinner by candlelight." Again with the candles, chaos and dysregulation, but after, AFTER we turned the lights back on we turned them off again - HE turned them off again - to snuggle on the top bunk with flashlights and storybooks and remembrances.

Sometimes I forget. I forget that a night without electricity for me is an exciting challenge of trying to empathize with daily life a world away. But for my son, a night without electricity is to be thrust into early memories of the very real terrors that roam the dark. I forget that anything different - Christmas trees and snow days and Christmas pageants and Santa Claus and presents and parties and Advent candles - has the threatening power, in his mind, to turn his whole world upside down yet again. It takes practice and try agains and the felt safety of controlling the light to turn hard into healing.

So I have grand plans. This is the year we won't "Disrupt Advent". This is the year we will fail Advent. This is the year we will stick to our regularly scheduled programming as much as possible. Homework after school and VERY ACTIVE playtime before a 6:15 pm dinner then bath and stories and bed. When we must veer away for parties and presents and candles and cookies we will hug tight to each other, to the felt safety of family, to try agains, to the peace and patience of a Savior who came so we could take heart. For in a messy stable surrounded by the chaos of a world in trouble, He came. He overcame. And this year, that is our Advent.

He was an adorable Roman soldier. And he did sing this year.
He only looked murderous part of the time. He was a Roman soldier, after all.