So, I obviously love to talk, and write, about our adoption journey. And I will happily try to answer any question anyone has about adopting. But some questions are more difficult for me to articulate than others. So, since I think best through my fingers, I will try to answer them in print.
1. When will you get him? Or, more preferable, when do you travel? When will he come home?
These are difficult questions because we JUST DON'T KNOW. Adoption is uncertain at best. International adoption, necessitating several dozen bureaucrats from two governments to complete paperwork and procedures, is filled with shifting time frames and policies and attitudes. The country from which we're adopting has a very small and very new adoption program. So, unfortunately, there is no clear cut time frame from application to match to approval to court to travel. The process can be stalled at any point along the route for various reasons or for no reason whatsoever. Because of the many, many uncertainties, including the possibility of an abrupt cessation of an adoption program altogether, the related questions - "What's taking so long?" or "Why don't you have approval yet?" fill me with absolute dread. I can't even go there. Yes, we know God's timing is perfect. But government officials are not.
My husband decided to take this uncertainty and dread in hand. So now, when Trent's asked, "When do you travel?" he answers, "Three months." So, people, that's the deal. We travel in three months.
2. What happened to him? Why's he in an orphanage?
I realize that people ask this out of sincere interest and concern for Pacman. Much of his history we do not know. But even what we do know is not our story to tell, it is his story to tell, when he's ready and with whom he wants to share. It is not an easy thing for a young child to reconstruct a painful past. It will take guidance and practice and maturity for him to craft his testimony. So, please, just love him as he is. The story will keep.
3. Why are you adopting from Lesotho? Or, sometimes, why international adoption? Don't you know there are kids here who need families?
Yes, we do know. There are wonderful, beautiful children here who need forever families, too. My parents fostered children. I worked in connection with Child Protective Services for three years. It may be that the issues surrounding foster-to-adopt are still too raw for me, personally. Adoption isn't one size fits all. We each have different gifts, different backgrounds, different callings. The long answer as to why Lesotho - my husband and I researched every single adoption program. We discussed the pros and the cons of each as it related to our particular family situation. We prayed about it. We fasted. The small size of the Lesotho program, the needs of the children, and, at the time, the efficiency of the Lesotho program appealed to us. We have connections with Johannesburg through Amor Ministries, with whom we serve in Mexico. We sponsor two children in Lesotho through World Vision. (And yes, we are going to visit them when we're in country! In three months!) The short answer, however, the answer that's so hard to articulate - we felt pulled to Lesotho because that's where our son is.
4. Isn't he going to feel so lucky?
Um, well, he will feel about as lucky as a child can feel who lost his parents at a very young age, spent several years in an impoverished and overcrowded orphanage, was then given to strangers - a quirky family who moved him from his country and culture to a place where he doesn't even speak the language. Adoption has its roots in trauma. Trauma is not lucky. It is messy and painful and raw. But we serve a God who redeems, a God who works for the good of those who love Him. We get to be a part of Pacman's healing, a part of his redemption story. And in that, it is Trent and Sam and I who are the ones who are lucky.
Along those lines, yes, we have heard the stories of (insert lurid story of a family who went through attachment distress). I have worked with several of those families, in fact. We are not entering into this lightly. We have done our homework and are preparing ourselves as best we can. We know it won't be easy. We know our lives will be turned upside down. We know there are no certainties. We appreciate your prayers. And your support. And we won't complain if you bring us dinner (once we're home. In three months). And a nice bottle of Shiraz.
5. Aren't you happy with the family you already have? Or, sometimes, Oh! You're adopting? You know, now you'll probably get pregant.
I am thrilled with the family I have. Sam and Trent and I have a blast together. And we know it would be super easy to circle up our cozy threesome, put Sam through college, and then spend our free time golfing and writing on the beach somewhere. We know that adding a forth will disrupt our family mobile (see above re: trauma). But Pacman needs a family. And we need a Pacman. We have a son in Africa. And until he's with us, we have an ache, a longing, an incompleteness.
And it's just weird to discuss my reproduction with anyone, except maybe my husband. I don't need to get pregnant to be a mom again. I'll go so far as to say I don't want to get pregnant. Adoption counts as real parenting. And I want to parent Pacman. Enough said.
6. Wouldn't he be better off in his own country?
The questioner is usually heading in one of two directions with this question. One, they are opposed to all things international adoption. UNICEF believes international adoption should be a last resort, believes that children should grow up in their own country and culture, and has instituted pressure on many foreign governments to restrict international adoption. While it is true that children should be cared for by their own family, first, if at all possible, the fact remains that there are many children worldwide without a family, who are growing up in institutional care, without love, without belonging, without culture. Children need the culture of family, first.
The second direction with this question is often the realization that Pacman is, in fact, black, and we are, in fact, white. They may be trotting out their own bigotry, in which case I don't have much truck in trying to educate their poor souls. Or they may be genuinely concerned about our ability to teach Pacman how to be a black man in America. We care about this, too, and are taking it seriously. God knew what he was doing in making the church a global church. We are surrounded by other believers, many of them black, several of them African. And we will lean on our brothers and sisters to help us raise him well. It does take a village.
7. How much does he cost?
He is a child, and he doesn't cost anything. But there are fees with adoption - agency staff and lawyers must be paid for their time and their work, documents must be copied and mailed, records must be - I don't know - whatever is done with all those records. There are humanitarian donations. There are fees for travel - airplane tickets and taxis and lodging and food. There were also fees for Sam's birth - doctor visits and delivery room staff and the hospital room and that delicious hospital food all cost a bundle. I'm happy to discuss the various costs of processing an international adoption. But Pacman - he is priceless.
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