Letter to My Eighth Grade Daughter

Much of the last year has been focused on our adoption - from the months of paperwork to the joy of our match to the agony of waiting. Our prayers every morning and our dinner conversations every evening center on Pacman. Sam already loves her little brother so, so much, and is happy to invest as much time as she can into praying him home.

Exactly one week after receiving news that we had been matched Sam began painting and organizing Pacman's room. And clearing a shelf for him in their shared bathroom. The room is still ready. The shelf, however, has been conscripted back into service.

But this weekend - President's Day weekend - is Sam's birthday. And we are celebrating her. In a big, big way. (Organized and arranged by the man who once asked me if he could go on a weekend buddies golf trip to North Carolina and then somehow morphed my agreement into a 10-day golf tour of Scotland. So, yes, we're gonna live it up.)

My baby is turning 14. Finishing her 8th grade year and looking forward to high school. Which makes me remember my own high school years. Ugh. I was a hot mess in high school (and, um, in college, also). A quivering disarray of anxiety and insecurity and selfishness. Thankfully I had a tremendous family and incredibly tolerant friends who loved me in spite of myself. Sam is already more mature at 13 than I was at 23, but, before she braves the waters of high school, I want to pass on a few words.

1. Practice Positivity. In a world that is often filled with hardship, it can be easy to fall into cynicism, but remember that there is always hope. Suffering produces perseverence, perseverence character, and character hope. Hang on to hope. Look for the good - in others, in yourself. We often find what we seek. At the same time, don't let others' negativity bring you down. Seriously, are they being mean ON PURPOSE? (Or do they just need to work on their people skills?) Give thanks - it's all too easy to focus on what you don't have; but a slight shift to gratitude for what you DO have brings contentment. Laugh often - at yourself, with others. Life is too serious to take seriously. Be confident! See yourself the way God sees you - amazing, forgiven, loved, inconquerable! You are a child of the KING!

When in doubt, don a monkey mask.

2. Travel. See as much of the world as you can. Enjoy luxury hotels if you have the chance, every once in awhile, but, even better, stay in homes and hostels - get to know the incredible people who share this life with you. Experience new cultures, new foods (try at least one bite! Remember those homemade meals in Mexico?), new landscapes, races and religions. But know that no matter how far you roam, you can always, always come home.

Frijoles y mole y tortillas y tamales! Que bueno!

3. Think critically. Don't believe something is true just because somebody else says it is. Challenge conventional wisdom. Challenge authority. Think for yourself. Smart is the new cool. Never  apologize for your intelligence, and don't pretend to be dumb just to get some boy to like you. If he needs a dumb girl to feel good about himself, he's not good enough for you. Read. Read something every day. Read for fun, read to explore your imagination, read for knowledge. Consider the other point of view. Even if you disagree, especially if you disagree, examine the other person's viewpoint. Remember Wicked - there's always another side to the story. Learn to communicate your ideas effectively. Like, OMG, don't use txt or, like, slang 2tlk2 teachers, employers, professional colleagues, 4COL.

I'm through accepting limits
"Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know.
"Defy Gravity"

4. Celebrate the Uniqueness of You. Don't let pop culture define you. There's a reason trends are trends - mass-market fads never last. You, on the other hand, are one of a kind, and you should never have to force who you are into a mold of someone else's making. Those molds are all airbrushed, anyway. See yourself - and others - through "Shallow Hal" eyes. True beauty is on the inside. Love the body you have and take care of it. Make health a priority. Exercise. Eat more of the foods that God created, and less of the foods ConAgra processed. Take time to relax. Practice flexibility - in your body and your mind. Cherish your strengths - enjoy the many, many talents that God has given you and use those talents as a blessing to the world.

Catching rainbows.

5. Love - love yourself, love your friends, love the unlovable. Value your friendships. Diamonds are NOT a girl's best friend. Friends are much more precious. True friends will love you through the ups and downs and will encourage you to become a better person. Do the same for them. Reach out to those who society overlooks. Demonstrate kindness in a world that is often unkind. Who knows, you may find yourself entertaining angels. Find your first true love in God. Don't wait for a boy to complete you. Complete yourself, first. Never date a jerk, no matter how cute he may be on the outside. Remember, always, that you are worthy of respect. Marry a man like your father.

Daddy-Daughter Dance - Trent knows how to set the bar really, really high.

Finally, always know that YOU ARE LOVED.

Questions That Are Hard to Answer

So, I obviously love to talk, and write, about our adoption journey. And I will happily try to answer any question anyone has about adopting. But some questions are more difficult for me to articulate than others. So, since I think best through my fingers, I will try to answer them in print.

1. When will you get him? Or, more preferable, when do you travel? When will he come home?

These are difficult questions because we JUST DON'T KNOW. Adoption is uncertain at best. International adoption, necessitating several dozen bureaucrats from two governments to complete paperwork and procedures, is filled with shifting time frames and policies and attitudes. The country from which we're adopting has a very small and very new adoption program. So, unfortunately, there is no clear cut time frame from application to match to approval to court to travel. The process can be stalled at any point along the route for various reasons or for no reason whatsoever. Because of the many, many uncertainties, including the possibility of an abrupt cessation of an adoption program altogether, the related questions - "What's taking so long?" or "Why don't you have approval yet?" fill me with absolute dread. I can't even go there. Yes, we know God's timing is perfect. But government officials are not.

My husband decided to take this uncertainty and dread in hand. So now, when Trent's asked, "When do you travel?" he answers, "Three months." So, people, that's the deal. We travel in three months.

2. What happened to him? Why's he in an orphanage?

I realize that people ask this out of sincere interest and concern for Pacman. Much of his history we do not know. But even what we do know is not our story to tell, it is his story to tell, when he's ready and with whom he wants to share. It is not an easy thing for a young child to reconstruct a painful past. It will take guidance and practice and maturity for him to craft his testimony. So, please, just love him as he is. The story will keep.

3. Why are you adopting from Lesotho? Or, sometimes, why international adoption? Don't you know there are kids here who need families?

Yes, we do know. There are wonderful, beautiful children here who need forever families, too. My parents fostered children. I worked in connection with Child Protective Services for three years. It may be that the issues surrounding foster-to-adopt are still too raw for me, personally. Adoption isn't one size fits all. We each have different gifts, different backgrounds, different callings. The long answer as to why Lesotho - my husband and I researched every single adoption program. We discussed the pros and the cons of each as it related to our particular family situation. We prayed about it. We fasted. The small size of the Lesotho program, the needs of the children, and, at the time, the efficiency of the Lesotho program appealed to us. We have connections with Johannesburg through Amor Ministries, with whom we serve in Mexico. We sponsor two children in Lesotho through World Vision. (And yes, we are going to visit them when we're in country! In three months!) The short answer, however, the answer that's so hard to articulate - we felt pulled to Lesotho because that's where our son is.

4. Isn't he going to feel so lucky?

Um, well, he will feel about as lucky as a child can feel who lost his parents at a very young age, spent several years in an impoverished and overcrowded orphanage, was then given to strangers - a quirky family who moved him from his country and culture to a place where he doesn't even speak the language. Adoption has its roots in trauma. Trauma is not lucky. It is messy and painful and raw. But we serve a God who redeems, a God who works for the good of those who love Him. We get to be a part of Pacman's healing, a part of his redemption story. And in that, it is Trent and Sam and I who are the ones who are lucky.

Along those lines, yes, we have heard the stories of (insert lurid story of a family who went through attachment distress). I have worked with several of those families, in fact. We are not entering into this lightly. We have done our homework and are preparing ourselves as best we can. We know it won't be easy. We know our lives will be turned upside down. We know there are no certainties. We appreciate your prayers. And your support. And we won't complain if you bring us dinner (once we're home. In three months). And a nice bottle of Shiraz.

5. Aren't you happy with the family you already have? Or, sometimes, Oh! You're adopting? You know, now you'll probably get pregant.

I am thrilled with the family I have. Sam and Trent and I have a blast together. And we know it would be super easy to circle up our cozy threesome, put Sam through college, and then spend our free time golfing and writing on the beach somewhere. We know that adding a forth will disrupt our family mobile (see above re: trauma). But Pacman needs a family. And we need a Pacman. We have a son in Africa. And until he's with us, we have an ache, a longing, an incompleteness.

And it's just weird to discuss my reproduction with anyone, except maybe my husband. I don't need to get pregnant to be a mom again. I'll go so far as to say I don't want to get pregnant. Adoption counts as real parenting. And I want to parent Pacman. Enough said.

6. Wouldn't he be better off in his own country?

The questioner is usually heading in one of two directions with this question. One, they are opposed to all things international adoption. UNICEF believes international adoption should be a last resort, believes that children should grow up in their own country and culture, and has instituted pressure on many foreign governments to restrict international adoption. While it is true that children should be cared for by their own family, first, if at all possible, the fact remains that there are many children worldwide without a family, who are growing up in institutional care, without love, without belonging, without culture. Children need the culture of family, first.

The second direction with this question is often the realization that Pacman is, in fact, black, and we are, in fact, white. They may be trotting out their own bigotry, in which case I don't have much truck in trying to educate their poor souls. Or they may be genuinely concerned about our ability to teach Pacman how to be a black man in America. We care about this, too, and are taking it seriously. God knew what he was doing in making the church a global church. We are surrounded by other believers, many of them black, several of them African. And we will lean on our brothers and sisters to help us raise him well. It does take a village.

7. How much does he cost?

He is a child, and he doesn't cost anything. But there are fees with adoption - agency staff and lawyers must be paid for their time and their work, documents must be copied and mailed, records must be - I don't know - whatever is done with all those records. There are humanitarian donations. There are fees for travel - airplane tickets and taxis and lodging and food. There were also fees for Sam's birth - doctor visits and delivery room staff and the hospital room and that delicious hospital food all cost a bundle. I'm happy to discuss the various costs of processing an international adoption. But Pacman - he is priceless.

Living Life On Hold

Editor's note: As of today, it has been 37 weeks since we were matched with a gorgeous, then-five-year old-now-six-year-old boy (whose name isn't really Pacman). So we're heavy into these last stages of waiting to meet him, and ready for "labor" at any time (as if all this waiting isn't labor).

I hate calling corporations. Financial and insurance companies are the worst, I think. First there are the maze of automatic options to wade through and buttons to push - "Press 6 for the automated voice explaining your four options if you can't decide between options 1 through 5." Then, to finally speak to a real-live person, you must first be put on hold. So I'm trying to tend to family and fix dinner and shoo the dogs off the couch with a phone firmly affixed to my ear, a phone that is playing the same recorded message over and over again. Aaargh!

We're on hold with the adoption, waiting for the FINAL SIGNATURE that will approve our adoption order so we can move forward with yet more - but the final bits - of paperwork. We will most likely travel six weeks (or so) after approval. I've been glued to my iphone, eager to hear the ding-a-ding that lets me know I have a new email/voicemail/text. But regardless of how often I check, I keep getting the same message over and over - "We will let you know when we have any new information."Aaargh!

Because we may travel *soon*, we have been planning our lives no more than six weeks out. Speak at a conference mid-March? Won't know if I'm available until Febuary 7th. We may travel *soon*. Go to Chicago with the orchestra the end of March? Will get back to you Feb. 16. We may travel *soon*. Chaperone the 8th grade Washington, DC trip the end of April? Hmm...can't let you know until March 10th. We may travel *soon*. We can't use vacation days or sick days for ANYTHING, because we may need them for travel. *Soon*.

Unfortunately, conference planners and trip organizers and tour companies, while empathetic, require more than six weeks lead time. Deposits for Chicago and Washington DC were due last fall. And they are NON-REFUNDABLE. Final payments come due well before my six week window. Again, non-refundable. I can't express the angst of handing over a $400 check in January for the Washington trip while at the same time hoping that we will be in Africa during said trip. We might need that $400. Why? Because we might travel *soon*.

I am a planner. I like to plan for various contingencies well beyond six weeks out. I want to know my daughter's summer softball schedule in January because I want to plan softball around writing around weekends at the lake. I want to know the details of the back-to-school schedule so I can arrange my work and child-care schedule. Truth be told, I wouldn't mind next year's winter basketball schedule NOW. That'd be helpful, thanks.

But God has us on hold, which, I'm trying to learn, isn't all bad. I'm learning to trust Him in the day-by-day, knowing we can't worry about the future (because today has enough worries of its own). Our life may look radically different come April. Then again, it may not. Summer softball and lake trips may have to take a backseat to the needs of bonding with a scared and traumatized little boy. Then again, it may not. What comes will come. We are preparing for the myriad of options, but we are also learning to trust God in the moment. Today, right now, what would You have me do?

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own (Matt. 6:34, KJB).