God Said Wait

This past week I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED about something very particular. This is the same something I had prayed very particularly about before, so this was a second chance to pray this particular prayer. It had something everything to do with getting our Ministry approval and paperwork in time to send with a family who is traveling to Lesotho next Tuesday.

God said no wait.

I am heartbroken. Maybe some of you are able to handle God's no wait with maturity and grace, but I am the wailing toddler who saw the cookies only to be told she may not have one until after dinner. I am hungry NOW and it's not FAIR and why don't you LOVE ME?

It's not enough that I am immature. Oh, no. I also turn my disappointment with God's no wait into a judgment of my works. Maybe my prayers weren't good enough. Maybe it's because I screwed up the whole fasting thing. Maybe it's because I got behind on my daily Bible reading.

And then come the deeper, darker fears. Maybe God has another plan for Pacman's life. We don't know his history; perhaps he has family...somewhere...and waiting for that family is God's plan for him. As painful as that is to consider, I can turn that over to God with a different kind of urgency. I want him to be loved, to belong. It's the next fear around which Satan wraps icy tentacles of doubt. Maybe ... maybe God doesn't want us to adopt. Maybe ... maybe God doesn't think I'm ready to be a mom to this little boy. Maybe ... maybe He doesn't think I'm good enough.

Deep breath in, hold it, let it out.

Why is it so easy to lose perspective, to jump from disappointment to doubt to despair in half a nanosecond? Gah! Sometimes I just want to smack myself!

I have a "magic" trick at school in which a "negative" emoticon (sad, mad, scared, worried, or, personally speaking, neurotic and immature) changes, via prayer or Scripture or other healthy coping skill, into a happy emoticon. The kids love it. I love it. It changes perspective. It shows us that we aren't subject to our negativity - we can take those thoughts captive. It reminds me that I don't have to hang on to my disappointment and doubt and despair. I can, through prayer and Scripture and wise counsel, trust that when God says no wait, He has a plan. He can take my disappointment and love me through it. He will turn my mourning into dancing. He never said it would be easy; He said he would be with us.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5