Advice to My Future Self from the Other Side of the Play-Therapy Table

I realized today that I've been a counselor on the fringes of the adoption world since 1995 - 17 years. I've worked alongside author and adoption speaker Sherrie Eldridge; foster and adoptive mom and director of Family Solutions, Nancy Hughes; and with countless birthparents and adopted children and adoptive parents.

God must've thought I needed a LOT of preparation before we adopted our son. Seventeen years of on-the-job training with these wise and experienced adoption professionals have given me a foundational knowledge of adoption issues. But knowing what to do - as a counselor - and doing it - as a parent - sometimes feels worlds apart. (Which is why I once led a parent-your-preschooler workshop at the church on Saturday, and then on Sunday found myself chasing my own tantrum-throwing preschooler down the halls of that same church.)

So, while I am still waiting on our adoption paperwork and sitting on the counselor's side of the play therapy table, I am going to give my future self - the wild-eyed self sitting on the stressed out parent's side of the play therapy table - some advice.

* It's okay, nay, it is important, to seek support. Which is why, before we travel, I am making a family appointment with an adoption counselor in my city. She has about a three month waiting list, so I figure that'll put us around two months home. And even if I don't think I need help because, after all, I've memorized The Connected Child and Parenting the Hurt Child, it is DIFFERENT when you're the parent. And I'm gonna need someone to remind me of that. And to put our very changed world into perspective.

* Take a break. I'm not always very good at this. When I get fixated on something, I'm all in, every minute. So while Pacman may need much of my attention and time, he will not need all of my attention and time. Trent and I will go on a date. Sam and I will go to a show (Billy Elliott is coming in June, dear God, so it'd be amazing if we were home by then and could get tickets thanks!). I will talk my girlfriends into taking me to the Melting Pot or a least to Java (one is being built right by my house!).

* Don't overanalyze. My tendency is going to be, I know, to assess everything - his development, his attachment, his trauma, our stress level, his stress level, our coping skills, his coping skills. And while a tiny bit of this may be helpful, mostly I will just need to love him and meet him where he is. I need to be his mom, not his counselor.

* Laugh. Fortunately I have Trent, whose quiet wit puts everything into perspective. I'm compiling funny comics and blogs and videos to have on hand. Because parent is tough, tough work. And life is a lot less stressful when you can laugh - at yourself, with others.

* Don't try to be a perfect parent. Work to be a loving parent. Make mistakes. Apologize. Hug and kiss. Try again.

* Pray. Pacman is God's child. We rely on God to protect and heal him now, in the orphanage, and we will rely on God to protect and heal him when he's with us, in our home. Adoption is filled with trauma. It is redemption in action, and God is the great redeemer. What I'm learning about prayer now, while we wait, is but a taste of what I will learn about prayer once he's home. Sometimes the best thing to do - the only thing to do - is to pray.