True/false questions kind of make me twitch. Because exceptions. And unless the question is worded precisely (and let's face it, question writers, especially, it seems, in math, tend to write ambiguous questions), then the most accurate answer might mostly be true but also sometimes false.
There is a narrative pushing around social media and certain news sites in response to recent events along the lines of "Come on, parents! This is the problem - parents today refuse to be parents and teach their children respect for authority or hold them accountable for their actions."
Which is true - one of great and moral mandates for parents is to teach their children respect and responsibility.
But also false. So false it makes my stomach hurt.
I had a conversation this weekend with a woman whose friend is struggling with her 13-year-old daughter. Struggling to the point of wondering if her only option is to call the police in order to have her child committed. Her daughter needs some intense and specialized therapy for a brutal combination of anxiety and ADHD and puberty. They have tried everything, are trying everything. But intense and specialized therapy, supports for both the mom and the daughter, are expensive and not available in her community. They family struggles to get by. They don't have the money for a three-hour-round trip to the nearest treatment facility that charges $120.00 an hour (not including the psychiatric appointments - that's extra) for therapy that will take months if not years.
Her school doesn't have the funding to help - the school psychologist is underpaid and overworked.
Her church doesn't know how to help - they are not equipped. Really they just want her to obey the Bible. At least the "be good" parts.
Some children easily learn to respect authority and to take responsibility. My firstborn was a breeze. (Mostly. She did still go through the threes. And the thirteens. But mostly.) I'd like to take all the credit and crow right along with the "blame the parent" narrative that if I can raise a respectful and responsible child, EVERYONE should be able to do so.
That would be a tiny part true. My husband and I had a bit to do with her upbringing. But it would also be so, so false. Because SO MUCH MORE went into shaping her life and her choices: Healthy, neurotypical, born into a safe and loving home, solidly middle class with no worries about where her next meal is coming from, health insurance that allows doctor visits and medicine and mental health services as needed, great friends and schools and communities who encourage and support her, extracurricular activities to build her interests and talents, NO TRAUMA.
I don't speak for all parents, by any means, but I'm going to anyway. Some children and some situations eschew the parents' ability to "just teach them respect." Trauma, fear, poverty, racism, family dysfunction, community dysfunction, lack of resources, etcetera upend any notion of "just teach them respect." Those proclamations make those of us who managed to raise respectful, responsible children feel better, of course, but it doesn't change anything for those in need of support. It doesn't help. Most parents really are doing their best with the resources that they have available. Some aren't, of course, that's just the nature of living in a free society. But even if a parent is doing a horrible job, pointing our fingers doesn't help that child.
What if we supported each other instead of shaking fingers? What if the next time we meet a mouthy, defiant, disobedient, aggressive, anxious child we avoid clucking our disapproval and instead offer our love? What if we followed the words of Rich Mullins:
"My friends ain't the way I wish they were
They are just the way they are
And I will be my brother's keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won't despise him for his weakness
I won't regard him for his strength
I won't take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will ~ I will be my brother's keeper."
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