I Am a Fool

This is the first time I've publicly told this story. It's a difficult story to relive.

When I was a newby counselor a teenager who was loosely connected with the church through Young Life came to talk to me. His girlfriend had just broken up with him, and he was distraught. After some minutes of conversation I knew we needed to work through a suicide risk assessment:

• Are you thinking of hurting yourself? "Sometimes. I don't want to hurt anymore."
• How long/often have you thought of not hurting anymore? "Just since the breakup. And once freshman year when I was getting bullied. Not everyday. Just sometimes. I'm just so mad! Why'd she leave me?"
• Do you have a plan to hurt yourself? "Not really. My dad has some decorative swords that are really cool, but that might hurt. I'd probably use a gun. It'd be fast."
• Now my stomach is in knots but I'm trying to stay calm and supportive. Do you have access to a gun? "Sure. We have guns in the house."

I had a bad, bad feeling. I wrote a suicide contract, and he signed it and agreed not to hurt himself or others. He agreed to call me if he started thinking of hurting himself. He agreed to let me call his dad to pick him up. He did not want to go to the hospital and he was adamant against me calling the police. "I'm not going to do anything. I promise. I feel better just talking it out. I'll call you if I start to feel bad again."

I had a quick but serious conversation with his dad. His dad assured me he'd watch him, that he'd call a psychiatrist in the morning, that he had the guns put away.

We talked several times on the phone during the next week. He was doing better, he said. Getting over the girl. "Don't worry. I'm fine."

One week after our last conversation, after a Friday night football game during which he and the girl had an argument, he shot himself.

My boss and I offered crisis counseling to his Young Life group. We supported his dad through the funeral and its aftermath.

And I decided that so long as I had children in my home I would never, ever have a gun.

I have been called an "absolute fool" for supporting research into determining effective ways to reduce gun violence. I have been told to walk around "bad" parts of town and "see what happens". (I am not sure if my Christian brothers and sisters who are gun advocates are trying to wish me harm, but the fact is I used to work as a referral therapist for child protective services, and spent a considerable amount of time in "bad" parts of town, always unarmed.) I have been told to move to other countries where they have gun control and "see how I like it". (I am sure that I would like it fine. Other countries have their own issues, of course, but they also have far less gun violence. But that's not where God has called me to live just now. I try to bloom where I am planted.)

I understand the fear and paranoia behind this pro-gun defensiveness. Fear can easily hijack all rational thought. But the truth is, for every one self-defense shooting there are 22 accidental or suicidal or domestic violence shootings (Kellerman, Journal of Trauma, Injury, Infection and Critical Care; US Centers of Disease Control and Prevention.) Combat veterans belie the NRA mantra about "good guys" with guns; arguing that without serious discipline and training (see below), good guys would have absolutely no idea what to do in an active shooter situation. Gun violence, rather, is often the result of opportunistic and impulsive rage directed toward someone the shooter knows, and women and children are disproportionately the victims. When children successfully commit suicide, it is most likely via a gun in their home or their friend's home. The greater threat, the greater fear, is having an unsecured gun in one's home.

I also understand the second amendment. I am not "anti-gun". But I believe it is crucial for us as Americans, us as parents, us as world citizens to effectively define and implement the term "well-regulated militia." Well-regulated means disciplined. Disciplined indicates a high level of training, control, accountability and safety. 

Maybe I am an absolute fool. But God uses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise, and I pray that is the case with me. And isn't it time we move beyond character assassinations and partisan, binary thinking? Isn't it time to dig deep and do the hard work of researching just how to implement well-regulated ways to protect our children?

I don't believe this is the job of the left or the right, of the president or of Congress - they are all too entrenched with gun lobby money. This is the job of moms and dads being just foolish enough to believe that we can change the world for our children. 

Hoodlums of History

In sixth grade I got a D in social studies. Mostly because I was a brat, copping an attitude to hide my insecurities. “Who cares about what people did 150 years ago in Russia?” Eye roll. Cutting off my nose to spite my face, though, because secretly I found the stories of the serfs and their emancipation fascinating. I think my teacher suspected. She gave me a journal and a book. Anne Frank, Diary of a Young Girl. She also slipped me newspaper accounts and letters from that same time period. Some from the pro-German point of view, some from the Resistance. I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

By eighth grade I had unwittingly won several history awards. I had also come to the realization that history often depended upon the viewpoint of the historian. And to that point, so did current events. It has long been fascinating to me that many of the heroes we now revere were once upon a time branded as hoodlums, criminals, traitors, even terrorists.

Nelson Mandela was connected with the South African communist party. He was also convicted of terrorism in 1963. At his trial he freely admitted that he planned sabotage against the apartheid government. “I planned it as a result of a calm and sober assessment of the political situation.” The Reagan administration followed the lead of the South African government in naming the African National Congress a terrorist group. Eventually the U.S. did pass economic sanctions against the apartheid regime, which played a role in its demise, but as late as 2008 the Nobel Peace Prize winner was on the U.S. terrorism watch list, which required Mandela to get special State Department clearance to visit. “It’s frankly a rather embarrassing matter,” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said at the time.

From 1957 until his assassination Martin Luther King Jr. was under constant surveillance by the FBI. The state treated MLK as a threat to peace, and many newspaper accounts branded him a dangerous agitator and an enemy to the United States. In 1999 the family of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. won a civil trial that found U.S. government agencies guilty of the wrongful death of King. Although adamantly nonviolent, using the definition of terrorism as “the unauthorized use of intimidation in the pursuit of political aims”, it seems clear King’s preaching, resisting and lawbreaking would have earned him the label. “Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.”

After his family was murdered, Geronimo fought against the U.S. army for 28 years, from 1858 to 1886. Often his small band was outnumbered 10 to 1. He and his 24 men ultimately surrendered to an army force of 5,000 soldiers and thousands of civilians. He and the members of his band were convicted as terrorists and sentenced to prison at Fort Marion, Florida. Geronimo was later released and became a national celebrity. His name rings as a clarion cry for freedom fighters even today. “There is one God looking down on us all. We are all the children of one God. The sun, the darkness, the winds are all listening to what we have to say.”

Harriet Tubman stole property worth millions across the United States and inspired others to follow in her path. Although she never advocated violence, she carried a revolver and was not afraid to use it. She also aided abolitionist John Brown and supported his goals of armed resistance. She helped him recruit men for his armed slave revolt in which he attempted to seize a United States arsenal at Harper’s Ferry. Brown was convicted of treason and hanged. Tubman praised him, writing, “He done more in dying than 100 men would in living.”

The legitimate government of the American colonies in the 1770’s was Great Britain. The Patriot movement was treasonous - a capital offense. George Washington led thousands into violence against Great Britain with the purpose of intimidating Great Britain into conceding to American demands. “The time is near at hand which must determine whether Americans are to be free men or slaves.”

Jesus called for an entirely new government - one “not of this world”. Although he spoke of nonviolence (beating swords into plowshares), he also single-handedly wrecked the commercial center of the Jewish temple and announced his plan to destroy the temple before rebuilding it under his command. Roman and Jewish leaders took his threats seriously and had him executed. “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Men and women throughout history have been impelled to break the laws of corrupt and discriminatory regimes in pursuit of their natural, God-given right to life, liberty and justice. In every season those dispossessed of power and oppressed of their rights to freedom must determine if they are willing to push against the status quo in their long walk to freedom. And while they may be dismissed as hoodlums, criminals, hate mongers in the moment by their oppressors, the moral arc of the universe bends toward revealing the truth of their heroic fight. On whose side of history will you stand?

The Meanest Generation

On Thursday, June 18, the day after the shootings at Emanuel AME church, I attended a seminar with Malcolm Smith titled "The Meanest Generation: Teaching Empathy and Compassion to Defeat Bullying." Teaching empathy and reducing bullying is a big part of my job as an elementary guidance counselor, and I was excited to hear what the director of Courage to Care had to say.

The date of the seminar is significant because Dr. Smith is  on a crisis team that responds to mass shootings, and has done considerable research on school shooters. So while he was in Louisville for this conference, he had been on the phone all night with the crisis care first responders. And when he spoke with us, a roomful of Kentucky educators, at 8:30 the next morning, his exhortation that we STOP THE HATE by instilling compassion in our students reached fever pitch.

He shared his own story of being victimized by bullies - of being moved from a caring, one-room schoolhouse in walking distance of his ranch to a consolidated school 90 minutes away as a sophomore and being beaten and bloodied by the school's seniors while teachers shrugged it off as a rite of passage. He shared his story of being labeled as a special education kid (because he had given up) and of the merciless teasing the SPED kids endured. He shared his story of the one friend who believed in him, stood up for him, and, unbeknownst to him, completed the application and wrote the essay that got him into college. Where he became a special education teacher and then a professor of education so that kids under his influence would never endure what he had endured.

We discussed the definition of bullying:
1. Intent to harm.
2. Interferes with one's civil rights. (We discussed this in the context of the right to an education free from fear, but there was additional post-seminar discussion about what characterizes civil rights in America.)
3. Imbalance of power.

This is the same definition of bullying we use at our school. Understanding the definition - knowing what is and is not bullying - helps us to know how to discipline. Is the kid sitting next to you who WON'T STOP making faces and annoying noises bullying you or is he socially immature?* Are the girls who won't let you play at recess unless you wear a particular brand of headband bullying you or are they just being fashion-conscious girly-girls?**

The imbalance of power element drew a lot of discussion. The power may be real or perceived, and may involve gender, culture, race, social class, etcetera.

The seminar and discussions meshed beautifully with the connection, compassion, safety and discipline (teaching not punishment) that we continue to refine and attempt to implement at school.

But it also tagged into conversations and articles and tweets and Facebook posts that have popped up over the last week and a half. What is free speech versus hate speech? Is the Confederate flag a symbol of heritage or hate? Are we "speaking the truth in love" or are we intolerant bigots? The definition of bullying provides a good benchmark in answering those questions.

(Full disclosure, I believe the Confederate flags as symbols fit all three criteria and as such should hang in a museum where we learn, contemplate and repent of our racist history rather than on public, government grounds. I also believe that people should have the freedom to wear, display, fly the flag on their own persons or private property, and I encourage them to do so prominently so I know with whom I'm dealing.)

Dr. Smith reiterated that victim safety must be paramount and outlined a four-step process for disciplining bullies, one that we also use in our school. Before returning to class, activity, etcetera
1. The student must take responsibility for his/her behavior and explain why it was wrong.
2. The student must be able to discuss and/or act out alternative behaviors that he/she could have used.
3. The student must try to understand the victim's point of view and feelings (empathy).
4. The student must atone or make amends. Saying "Sorry" isn't enough.

What if we, in our adult dealings and interactions and laws and decisions and Facebook posts did the same?

*the annoying face-making kid is socially immature, not bullying, because there is no intent nor is there a power imbalance.
**the headband clique is bullying because there is intent to exclude, interference of an emotionally safe educational environment, and a social/class power imbalance

True but also False

I was always that weird kid who preferred essay questions to multiple choice or true-false. Essays provided an opportunity to synthesize and analyze the information; to expound and explain. (Also, if I didn't really know the answer, I was also pretty good at writing my way around the question and hopefully earning a few points for effort.)

True/false questions kind of make me twitch. Because exceptions. And unless the question is worded precisely (and let's face it, question writers, especially, it seems, in math, tend to write ambiguous questions), then the most accurate answer might mostly be true but also sometimes false.

There is a narrative pushing around social media and certain news sites in response to recent events along the lines of "Come on, parents! This is the problem - parents today refuse to be parents and teach their children respect for authority or hold them accountable for their actions."

Which is true - one of great and moral mandates for parents is to teach their children respect and responsibility.

But also false. So false it makes my stomach hurt.

I had a conversation this weekend with a woman whose friend is struggling with her 13-year-old daughter. Struggling to the point of wondering if her only option is to call the police in order to have her child committed. Her daughter needs some intense and specialized therapy for a brutal combination of anxiety and ADHD and puberty. They have tried everything, are trying everything. But intense and specialized therapy, supports for both the mom and the daughter, are expensive and not available in her community. They family struggles to get by. They don't have the money for a three-hour-round trip to the nearest treatment facility that charges $120.00 an hour (not including the psychiatric appointments - that's extra) for therapy that will take months if not years.

Her school doesn't have the funding to help - the school psychologist is underpaid and overworked.

Her church doesn't know how to help - they are not equipped. Really they just want her to obey the Bible. At least the "be good" parts.

Some children easily learn to respect authority and to take responsibility. My firstborn was a breeze. (Mostly. She did still go through the threes. And the thirteens. But mostly.) I'd like to take all the credit and crow right along with the "blame the parent" narrative that if I can raise a respectful and responsible child, EVERYONE should be able to do so.

That would be a tiny part true. My husband and I had a bit to do with her upbringing. But it would also be so, so false. Because SO MUCH MORE went into shaping her life and her choices: Healthy, neurotypical, born into a safe and loving home, solidly middle class with no worries about where her next meal is coming from, health insurance that allows doctor visits and medicine and mental health services as needed, great friends and schools and communities who encourage and support her, extracurricular activities to build her interests and talents, NO TRAUMA.

I don't speak for all parents, by any means, but I'm going to anyway. Some children and some situations eschew the parents' ability to "just teach them respect." Trauma, fear, poverty, racism, family dysfunction, community dysfunction, lack of resources, etcetera upend any notion of "just teach them respect." Those proclamations make those of us who managed to raise respectful, responsible children feel better, of course, but it doesn't change anything for those in need of support. It doesn't help. Most parents really are doing their best with the resources that they have available. Some aren't, of course, that's just the nature of living in a free society. But even if a parent is doing a horrible job, pointing our fingers doesn't help that child.

What if we supported each other instead of shaking fingers? What if the next time we meet a mouthy, defiant, disobedient, aggressive, anxious child we avoid clucking our disapproval and instead offer our love? What if we followed the words of Rich Mullins:
"My friends ain't the way I wish they were
They are just the way they are
And I will be my brother's keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won't despise him for his weakness
I won't regard him for his strength
I won't take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will ~ I will be my brother's keeper."

Until We Know

When I was a young, newly married counselor (sans children) I gave a workshop on parenting. My information was solid, well-researched, scientifically and Biblically integrated. Good stuff, right? Except I had NO IDEA what I was talking about. None. I knew, but I didn't KNOW. I didn't understand. We don't know what we don't know until we know. And now I know. Yeesh.

Sorry, workshop participants. Hope that parenting thing worked out for you. Bless my heart.

When my daughter was born, her pediatrician came to the hospital (on a Saturday), examined her, then chatted with us for nearly an hour. He was informed, educational and calming. At one point he asked about our decision to breastfeed, and I admitted to having some difficulty. He listened, nodded, and said, "I've read the research, my wife nursed our two, and I could tell you exactly what the La Leche League guidelines say to do. But practically speaking I have no idea. I'll call in the lactation consultant. She's read the research, attended the workshops AND nursed six of her own."

He knew what he didn't know. So he called someone who knew.

I've been pulled over by the police exactly four times in my life, all for actually breaking the law (three times for speeding, once for driving without lights - long story.) Each time it was nervous-making. Each time I struggled to remember what I was supposed to do. Each time I was allowed to stay in my car while the officer asked me a couple of questions and then sent me on my way with a gentle warning to slow down/turn on the lights, sweetheart.

I know what it's like to be a white female, pulled over by the cops in a relatively affluent part of town, entirely deserving of a ticket, but grateful to get off scot-free.

I have NO IDEA what it's like to be pulled over for driving while black. None. I have no idea what it's like to integrate 200 plus years of slavery then 100 plus years of brutally enforced segregation and oppression into a relationship with the current fractured justice system. So I have no idea what I would do, nor what people of color should or should not do. I'm reading and listening, trying to learn, trying to empathize. But I just don't know.

So when I hear or read white people proclaim about what people of color should or should not have done when confronted by police, or how they should or should not protest injustice in communities of color, my head starts to twitch. Because while their advice may be true, they just do not know. Bless our hearts, we don't know. Let the leaders of color speak to what people of color should do. Because THEY KNOW. And let us who are white listen and learn, seek justice and love mercy.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him - James 1:5

One Good Thing

I was getting ready to read Mufaro's Beautiful Daughters with a group of upper elementary school girls when one said, "I hate Africa."

Wait, what? You've never even BEEN to Africa. You're like, nine years old. How can you HATE an entire continent? That's what I thought in half-a-quick second. What I said was, "Oh? Why?"

"It's just so poor and the people don't have enough to eat or clean water to drink or anywhere to live, and it's just so sad."

Ah ha. Our school has been raising money for a water system for a school in Uganda, so there had been much talk and videos and pictures of the unclean water sources and the poverty in the area around this Ugandan school. "There is poverty in parts of Africa," I said. (I could have perhaps discoursed on the negative influences of colonialism and tribalism and classism, but I refrained.) "But there's also a lot of beauty and strength and the kind of wealth that really matters. What would you tell me if I said I hated North America because it was so cold?"

They laughed. "It's only cold in winter, Mrs. Thompson. And only in parts of North America. Places like Florida are hardly ever cold." They grinned because of course you can't judge an entire continent based on one season in the northern reaches.*

But isn't that how we tend to operate? I grew up in Indiana. My dad went to both Indiana University and Purdue University, so that rivalry never got too heated in our house. But somehow I learned that I should despise Kentucky. I'm sure my parents never taught me to despise Kentucky, but there were enough jokes and disdain in my surrounding culture that this antipathy was understood. Implicit. And then, as I watched the Hoosiers win National Championships and went to college at IU it became easy to look for the UK negatives that reinforced my worldview.

Of course, then I moved to Kentucky and met in-real-life UK fans who didn't seem especially crazy and who I even trusted to teach and befriend my children. And my daughter wanted to tour the campus and started talking about all the UK scholarships for which she was eligible. And I need to live by this idea of "one good thing", right?

So I will say that Lexington is beautiful, and that the UK global studies program with the living-learning dorms seems especially strong academically, and that their basketball team is incredibly talented and well coached. I mean, they are undefeated and bidding for the national championship. That's a big deal. The last team that went undefeated in the regular season and then won the national was ... oh, right ... Indiana!

The typo on this makes me nuts. But Gene Wilder in this role is one good thing.

One night, many months ago, my son asked me what a gangster was. I told him it was a type of criminal. He said, "I'm not a gangster!" I was puzzled. "Of course you're not, why...?"

Seems some friends told him he had to be the gangster in the game they were playing. He had brown skin, so naturally he needed to be the gangster.

Let that sink in just a minute.

These are all great friends who love him. Who would say that they aren't the least bit racist. I am sure that their parents did not explicitly teach their children that people with brown skin are gangsters. But there are enough jokes and disdain and media influences in the surrounding culture that this idea was unwittingly communicated to my son's friends. Who communicated it to him.

If the only thing you know about predominantly African-American neighborhoods is black-on-black crime, if the only thing you know about #blacklivesmatter is rioting, if you just in general despise Obama, if you worry that the end of the world (or this country or your faith) as you know it is coming to an end because of XYZ reason, then please take some time to explore other viewpoints. You may not always agree, but at least find one good thing.

One Good Thing.

*The girls' homework assignment was to research one good thing about Africa. The next week they shared about elephants and the Serengeti and the Nile River and Victoria Falls and the first mathematical calculator and the cradle of civilization and the diversity of language and the resilience, strength and beauty of people like Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu and Mufaro's daughters. "Africa is so beautiful and smart," one said. So many good things.

"No, it's not!" "Yes, it is!" "Is NOT!" "Is SO!"

A firestorm continued this week in the Christian circles I orbit, both online and in real life. Franklin Graham, son of Billy Graham and president of Samaritan's Purse, issued a "Listen up and submit to authority and you won't get shot. Respect authority, it's as simple as that - Romans 13:1" post on Facebook. To which Sojourner's replied, "People of color have been submitting for centuries and are still being unjustly shot, imprisoned, fined and harassed - Jeremiah 22:13. There's more to this issue than a simple command to submit."

To which the cries of "Division! Division! You're creating division!" erupted on both sides of the debate. Shouts of "race is no longer an issue" countered with "yes, it is!" "No, it's not!" "Yes, it is!" "No, it's not!" "Yes, it is!" Name calling flamed. Apparently you're a right-wing racist if you agree with Graham and a race-baiting libtard if you agree with Sojourners. (Note to self - don't read the comments! For the love of maintaining a single shred of hope of human decency, don't read the comments.)

On whatever side you fall on this*, there is clearly division among the followers of Christ, which was the subject of my Bible study this morning.

*Full disclosure: Up until several years ago, I fell just inside the "right-wing racist" camp of "We're a post-racial society; don't make these issues about color; if people take individual responsibility and show respect they'll be treated fairly; study and work hard and you'll succeed." When writing my first novel I had immersed myself in research on the Civil Rights movement, including my own family's role in that movement, so clearly we were far beyond the days of the illegality of interracial friendships. I had nothing but respect and admiration for law enforcement, especially since the three times in my life I'd been pulled over for speeding I got off with a smile and a warning. I did waver in that camp on occasion because I worked for Child Protective Services and with Big Brothers Big Sisters, so I saw that racism did rear its head every now and then, and clearly not everyone had equal access to justice. But that couldn't be the result of institutionalized racism, could it? Sure, there were racist nut jobs still roaming around, and the number of racial hate groups had risen dramatically since Obama's election, but that was no longer accepted nor condoned. Sin prowls, but we were alert.

Then, in preparation for our adoption, I began reading and researching issues surrounding transracial parenting and I got involved with a transracial adoption group and I heard the stories of adult adoptees and other people of color. And my thought process on the amount of racial injustice still present and accepted in our society began to waver even closer to that dividing line. Still, having a transracial family in the 2010s was accepted. We were warmly embraced by our community and my son was and is loved as a child of God, a child to whom God gifted a gorgeous amount of melanin.

I work as a school counselor, so I know that many children face mean comments and exclusion and taunts based on physical appearance. Our school works diligently on teaching empathy and respect, on being an upstander and loving others. Despite these efforts, meanness still persists - both intentionally and as a result of immaturity. My son has faced taunts about his skin color and hair style (dreadlocks). He has been singled out for chastisement in a group of squirrely (otherwise all white) boys and followed in stores (until the clerk realized I was his mother), but by the same token he has taunted others about their racial features and he has a tendency toward mischief. I work daily to teach him to respect and love all God's differences in external appearance, to cherish uniqueness while understanding we are all God's children, and to make amends to those he hurt. At the same time I empathize with his hurts and try to give him the tools to stand up for his unique identity.

Then Trayvon. And Ferguson. And Tamir Rice. And John Crawford. And Kendric McDade. And...and...and...and those in my transracial communities saying, "Yes, this happens. The last fifty years of progress have not erased the previous three hundred plus years of legal and institutionalized racism. Expect it. Teach your son. Give him the tools to get home alive. But also demand change. Stand up and say, 'No More!' Ask your white community to hear our cries for justice." As above, when writing my first novel I had immersed myself in research on the Civil Rights movement, including my own family's role in that movement. Much of what I heard in the "submit" side of the conversation sounded tragically familiar to segregationalist sermons preached in 1957. We still have far to go.

*So, still full-disclosure, I suppose I have moved into the camp of "race-baiting libtards". That is, I believe race is still an issue. I believe we have more to overcome. I believe my white, middle-class existence has offered me advantages and shielded me from much of what others in different circumstances experience. People are still treated unfairly due to their race, from micro aggressions and implicit bias to wage gaps despite education to the school to prison pipeline to discrimination in law enforcement to racial incarceration. There is racial injustice embedded in the very fabric of our society. "Respect and submit" alone will not cure these ills.

I don't know what to say about the cries of division. Because there is a divide. Both sides on this claim Romans 16:17, "But I warn you brothers to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned." The teaching we have learned includes both commands to respect authority and demands to seek justice, defend the oppressed.

My hope is that the Church (and those outside the church, but the Church is the community with which I'm connected) can all move away from "is not!" "is so!" and toward empathy. Can we hear others' stories and read the research with the goal of trying to understand, even if we may not agree? Can we be pro law enforcement, agreeing on the goal of respecting those who protect and serve? Can we ALSO be pro systematic reform, agreeing that the previous 300 years of institutionalized racism and bias hasn't been entirely eliminated in these last 50? Can we both respect the law AND ask the law to respect the citizens?

I will teach my son to respect the police. I will teach him the ten rules to follow if he is ever stopped. Can I also ask you to pray that he not be stopped simply because he fits a "profile"; that the system treat him, and all others like him, with true justice? Because I want him to respect authority. And I want authority to respect him.

Get Home Safely - Ten Rules of Survival if Stopped by the Police

A Conversation with my Black Son

Rules and Things to Have a Funner Life

Paul and I are in the midst of reading Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Paul Curtis. I had the good fortune to meet Mr. Curtis at a writer's conference in Indianapolis in 2001. I had JUST, as in days before, talked about revisions on a manuscript I'd submitted to Holt with the woman who would ultimately be my editor for Jericho Walls. So I was at the same time flying high with possibilities yet paralyzed with fear because I had NO IDEA what I was doing or how to pull off these rewrites. Mr. Curtis was a voice of encouragement and calm. In my copy of Bud, Not Buddy he inscribed, "Dear Kristi, Congratulations and Keep Writing!"

So Bud, Not Buddy is near and dear to my heart. I read it to Sam when she was young - seven, probably. For her, it was a fun book with glimpses of the realities of the Great Depression. But, trigger warning, it has some TOUGH themes for kids from hard places. Bud is an orphan. The book opens with Bud in an abusive foster home. He escapes and decides to look for his father, making the trek from Flint to Grand Rapids, Michigan during the racial and economic unrest of the 1930's. So don't read this book unless you're ready to have some deep conversations about death, first parents, abandonment, racism and classism. But if you are, I've co-opted a few of Bud's Rules and Things to Have a Funner Life.

Rules and Things to Have a Funner Life #1:
Use stories as a springboard to deep conversations. You may not think your child has questions or is internalizing opinions from the wider culture about race, religion, class, death, but he does and he is. Studies show that children begin to form concepts and to classify others around age 3. Stories provide  a context to discuss those concepts and classifications. Talking about Bud's quest to find family, his relationships with those he meets on the way, complicated interactions with law enforcement, and the interracial dynamics of the band allows us to more fully explore those complex topics in our own real life.

Rules and Things to Have a Funner Life #2:
Use stories to expand your own reality. We tend to cluster in homogenized groups, so those around us reinforce our own preconceived ideas or beliefs. Stories open a door to think critically about those beliefs, to consider the rationale behind other ideas. Bud, Not Buddy brings to light different ideas about unionizing, about responding to racial injustice, about interacting with police, about poverty, about family.

Rules and Things to Have a Funner Life #3:
Use stories to build empathy. On needs only to read a few twitter feeds to realize that we live in a divisive world where those expressing different viewpoints or marginalized realities are at best misunderstood and at worst publicly derided. We struggle to hold space for those who think, live, believe differently. Studies show that literary fiction improves the reader's ability to understand and care about others' experiences, to walk in someone else's shoes.

Rules and Things to Have a Funner Life #4:
Use stories to build empathy. Bud faces trials and traumas in his short life, so much that he says "my eyes don't cry no more." But he keeps moving forward. He holds tight to the stories his momma used to tell him, and the love with which she told them. He escapes those who seek to do him harm, and he connects with those who try to help him. In this life we will have trouble, but take heart...

Rules and Things to Have a Funner Life #5:
Use stories to help your very active child fall asleep at bedtime when Daylight Savings Time means that it's still light outside. Enough said.

The Fish Who Lived

Last year my teenage daughter bought her younger brother a Betta fish for his birthday. It was the perfect gift. My son was going through some difficult transitions at school at the time, which were triggering all sorts of past trauma. The fish, named Captain America for his reddish, blueish scales and heroic demeanor, formed a sort of living, healing connection. And also the fish tank had a nightlight. To ward away monsters.

Fish = love. Fish love.

Then the fish died. Er...I mean...took a nap. Because death triggers all sorts of trauma-related issues that we were not prepared to add to our already stressed situation. So I zoomed the sleeping fish to the pet store and got a replacement reddish, blueish fish along with about a gazillion water testing and treatment products to ensure the most optimal environment for Captain II. Crisis averted.

Until that fish also promptly died.

Seriously! "I cannot handle dead fish right now!" I calmly explained hysterically yelled to the pet store worker. We decided to move Captain America III (the neighborhood pet store was out of reddish blueish Betta fish, so we had to cast our nets wider) out of the filtered, lit, decorated tank into what was essentially a large vase with a few rocks. "It's like a vacation condo," I told my son. And, "Yes, he does look a little smaller. But it's probably just because his tank is a little smaller."

Captain III eventually moved from the vase to the fish tank (thoroughly cleaned and redecorated. We determined there was something wrong with the gravel in the original setup) and now to a tank with a built in vacuum that Grandma gave him for Christmas. Captain III celebrates his one-year anniversary with us this weekend. Just yesterday my son said, "Wow, I already had another birthday. Captain's lived a long time. I didn't think fish lived that long." He has no idea.

Captain III has seen my son through more transitions this year - from changing schools to the death of our old dog, Scout, to just this month a tragedy in the family of his beloved teacher necessitating a substitute for several weeks as well as the sudden illness of an indestructible friend.

Just this morning, as we fed Captain III a couple of Betta bites I marveled at the healing that has transpired this year, and how he has managed these current triggers with a sense of confidence that hints at a growing knowledge that no matter what happens in this world, he is loved.

So I nudged an extra Betta bite into the tank and thanked God for his healing power shown to us most graciously through the fish who lived.