Just Keep Swimming

Betta fish #3 is still alive, and all is well in the world.

We currently have two fishtanks going in little man's room. The newly constructed fish "bowl" (made out of an extra (and unneeded because Trent doesn't believe in buying flowers) flower vase) in which Captain III is currently residing while the too-high ammonia levels in the filtered fish "tank" stabilize.

Captain I, II and III have taught me a few things about parenting hurt children.

• Toxins are often invisible. "You can't see the ammonia or the nitrates in the water," the fish lady told me. "They're invisible killers. You have to test the water and change it regularly."
• Adoptive and foster parents can't always grasp the trauma their children have faced. Many of our kids have been through stuff that should be confined to horror movies. We know this, and yet it's hard to see, hard to understand. It's often invisible until something - maybe what seems a minor stressor - causes it to erupt in nightmares, rage and grief. 
• You have to treat the toxins, not the symptoms. When Captain I died, our quick fix was to buy Captain II and stick him back in the same fish tank. We didn't know it was toxic! It promptly died, too. We had to treat the fish tank, clean the water, for Captain III to survive. When my child "acts out", my first instinct as a parent is to impose consequences, lectures, rules, rewards. But a child who is acting from a place of fear and grief can't grasp consequences. He doesn't care about rules and rewards. First there has to be connection. Healing. The toxins need to be treated before the behavior can change.
• For us, testing the water and changing it often means regular and inviolable family connection time, regardless of behavior. As maddening as bedtime might be, and as much as I might want to use the loss of bedtime stories and songs as a discipline tactic to "brush your teeth right now or else!" these bedtime snuggles offer my best opportunity to test and change the waters, to remove toxins.
• One of the hardest things about owning fish is keeping the water levels just right for your particular fish, even as fish food and poop mucks it all up. As Ryan North stated: "This is one of the hardest (but most incredible) things about being a foster or adoptive parent. You have to earn back trust you never violated. You have to work to redeem hard places that you never created. You have to heal wounds that you never inflicted."

• We thought our one gallon, filtered fish tank was a great size for our new Betta. It even has a filter! After all, at the pet store those fish live in those little, tiny containers. The fish lady wasn't impressed. "Too big to clean often enough, but too small to create a self-sustaining environment. The smaller the tank, the easier it is for things to get out of whack."
• Bruce Perry, author of The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog,  is one of my favorite researchers/writers on developmental trauma. He has a wealth of knowledge on the impact of trauma on the developing brain. He writes that it is the young brain's amazing plasticity, which makes it possible for children to learn love and language, that also makes it so susceptible to early stress and trauma. Children are a small tank. Early traumatic stress profoundly affects the developing brain, changing its physical structure, making children from hard places much more reactive to life's everyday stressors.
• By the same token, Perry writes, "The more healthy relationships a child has, the more likely he will be able to recover from trauma and thrive. Relationships are the agents of change and the most powerful therapy is human love." Relationships above and beyond the family grow my child's tank, allowing him to create a buffer against stressors. We are so grateful for the relationships that have helped him grow - Nana and Papa and cousins often and always, Grandma, our small group family, his football/basketball coach, his best friend's mom who senses when I'm over it all and takes him for playdates, his kindergarten teacher who is still available for hugs and counsel, all the teachers and friends at school who offer encouragement and support, neighborhood families and playmates - he is blessed by so many caring, tank-expanding relationships.

• It takes time to stabilize. After Captain II "fell asleep" so suddenly, I desperately wanted Captain III to be swimming happily in his tank when Paul returned from school. "I am not processing DEAD FISH right now. What do I need to do, what do I need to put in the tank, to fix it?" I asked the fish lady. She shook her head and tsk'ed at me. "You're gonna need some beneficial bacteria in the tank, but it's gonna take a week or two for that to neutralize the ammonia and adjust the nitrate levels. If you want to do it right, it's gonna take some time, honey."
• In adoption, attachment counselors talk about "family age". A child may be eight years old, chronologically, but if he's only been in the family for 18 months,  he is still at a much younger emotional and developmental age, still feeling young and shaky about separation and independence and in his ability to regulate. Children make amazing gains and strides, they surely do, but it often takes years longer than we think it might. 
• It's been three weeks yesterday since Paul learned about his teacher transition at school. The first week was the worst, when those toxic fears of abandonment and change erupted into rage and grief, stirring up toxic memories. He needed to know that we were safe, that we would care for him no matter what, that we would never leave. He needed to see that we could unpack those early toxic memories and bring them to light, heal them.
• This week the anxiety levels are plummeting as he realizes this new teacher and routine is not that different, not at all scary. We're stabilizing. Now he's testing the new teacher, which is oh, so blessedly "normal" and much easier to manage (at least for me) with apology notes and extra "helps". As Paul said so sagely after he "moved his number" and had to face the consequence: "Sometimes you get grumpy. Then you just need to do the work to cheer up."

Just keep swimming, y'all. Just keep swimming.