Cheater

Day 23 of my 40 day drinking-only-water fast: I fell off the wagon. Somehow, the hot water I was brewing first leached through some coffee grounds.

It was not delicious (no steamed milk or sugar fell in, more's the pity, and it was brewed a bit too dark for my taste), but it was wonderful. I feel a little bit terrible. But also a lot more awake. Oh, coffee, how I missed your morning warmth and caffeination.

All of which has me thinking about the process of cheating. It wasn't as if I consciously set out to cheat on my fast this morning. It's my day at the Rock Creek campus, so after dropping off my kids at English Station at the dark side of dawn, I drove right by the Java and the Starbucks that occasionally serve as my Wednesday morning pick me up. I won't say I didn't give them a second thought. I did. And that second thought said, "That's $2.86 I need to add to my Blood:Water and Marion Medical Mission donation account, because I know for a fact I have a $5 bill in my purse, and had I not involved myself in this ridiculous Lenten fast I would've stopped for a tall cafe au lait with caramel."

There was snow on the ground this morning, did I mention? With a wind chill of 21 degrees. And thanks to spring forward it was still dark when I pulled onto campus. And also I was thirsty. I couldn't find my 20 ounce water bottle that morning because one of the kids kept me busy with his grumping ("I don't wanna put on my socks. I don't wanna brush my hair. I don't wanna eat THIS! Fix me some'fing else!") and one of the kids was still upstairs communicating only in grunts. And also I was tired, thanks to an eleven hour workday yesterday that was interrupted only to haul one child clear across town to the other child's softball game before returning to work and then finally coming home to the news that one child was hurt because another child had lashed out in hunger and tiredness after said softball game so I needed to supervise another child cleaning out one's child cat litter box (helps for hurts) while processing the inappropriate anger reaction before putting another child to bed. Then I still had an hour-and-a-half worth of work to do before I could fall into bed to sleep for seven hours and wake up to do it all over again. So cold, thirsty and tired. And really it was no big deal. Was it?

The teacher's lounge setup at Rock Creek is a bit different than that of English Station, where there is always hot water brewing. (Meant to be for tea drinkers, but works just as well for the one of us who is - bleagh - only drinking hot water just now.) At Rock Creek getting hot water involves going to different stations - mug station, water station, microwave station. But there was coffee brewing right next to the mug station. And it smelled SO GOOD! And so somehow this hot water that just happened to be filtered through coffee grounds made its way into my mug. Which I drank. I wish I could say it made me feel awful physically - upset stomach, headache. But it didn't. It did, however, make me feel sorry. I had cheated, and that never feels shouldn't feel good.

So why did I cheat on my fast? Basically because I acted from self. I was tired. I wanted the coffee. I didn't stop to think or pray or send out an SOS text to an accountability buddy. I just drank. I cheated. While there are many levels, forms and  features of cheating, at its root it boils down to selfishness.

One of my pet peeves at the school where I work and where my kids go to school is carpool cheaters. There is a set method to carpool, to getting 1200 kids from pre-K to grade 12 on and off of campus as efficiently and safely as possible. It's a bit of a pain, honestly, and can be time-consuming, but at the same time it makes sense from a safety standpoint. And 99 percent of the cars follow the set procedure. But there's that 1 percent. Ugh! The ones that skip the procedure altogether and turn left at the roundabout or drop off kids in the no drop off zone or cut through the no-cut-through (sometimes plowing over pylons to do so). This makes me crazy. It's dangerous, first of all. (This morning I almost got sideswiped by a left-turn-cutter then nearly rear-ended a dropper-offer. Seriously! It is March! We've been doing this carpool thing for SEVEN MONTHS! I did the Christian thing - honked and yelled then worried someone might recognize my car.

I want the senior psychology class to write a research paper on carpool cheaters. I want them to collect data (write down the license plate numbers of the cheaters) then hunt them down interview them to explore WHY they cheat at carpool. Do they, like me, rationalize their cheat? "I was cold...thirsty..tired...in a hurry... And really it was no big deal. Was it?"

And I want to know if they cheat at other things, too. Like their Lenten fast. And are they sorry? Or are they figuring out how to cheat again tomorrow?

What do you think? Why is it so easy to rationalize our cheats?