Birf'day

Kids from hard places often have a difficult time with birthdays. Birthdays create a lot of big feelings. I have a friend who was adopted as an infant by a wonderful, loving couple. Yet every year about a month before her birthday she started feeling depressed and irritable and overwhelmed. She didn't know why for the longest time - thought perhaps it was just a change of season - until a wise doctor made the connection. Deep in her psyche she was dealing with big feelings of shame and loss and identity. Big questions about why? and who am I? and what really happened all those years ago? and am I really loved? Sometimes, for those who can't quite articulate or understand, those big feelings and big questions can transform into less-than-desirable behaviors.

So Trent and I tried to prepare ourselves as best we could for Paul's birthday, especially coming as it did on the heels of Christmas excitement (and subsequent letdown) and back-to-school exhaustion. (And he was JUST starting to develop an understanding of VACATION - sleeping until 7 and staying in jammies until 9 (baby steps, people!)).

And can I just say that disciplining these less-than-desirable behaviors gets really, really tricky. Sam had has her share of sass and immaturity and disobedience, too, of course. But with Sam I have no qualms with striking swift and unflinching restitution. I don't have to worry is this defiance or trauma? immaturity or loss? stubborness or desperate fear of losing control? I can focus on logical, instructive consequences without also wondering if it will foster attachment. Because she's pretty darn well attached.

We're also in the midst of transitioning some of our discipline strategies with Paul. Partly because I get easily bored with chore charts and stickers and the like (although I must say that KidPointz worked BEAUTIFULLY for four months, and as a result Paul grew in a lot of areas. We'll probably go back to it in some form or fashion at some point, but just now we're dealing with different issues and need something more immediate and tangible.) Discipline's another blog post. I'm getting off track.

Anyway, in the week leading up to his birthday some control/anxiety/sass issues reared their ugly heads. We tried a blend of ignoring, feelings games, try agains and, my favorite, the rude attitude chore bag.

Works like this - Paul: "NO! Shuddup." Muttered, "Stoopy head." (For the record, Paul thinks shut up is a REALLY bad word. So he's essentially swearing at me in his own special way.) Me, in a deep, Karen Purvis-inspired voice: "Excuse me? You want to try again?" Paul: "I don't have to." Me, digging fingernail indentations in my palms and trying not to go ballistic: "That's too bad. Because that was rude. Please draw a chore before you can play." Paul: "Wait, I forgot! It was accident. I mean to say I love you. Dis English is tricky."

HA!

Tricky or not, before privileges are reinstated he must draw a chore from the chore bag. He does mutter and grumble about this, and sometimes mocks me or makes these faces THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY but which I tend to ignore because he fairly quickly draws a chore and gets to work doing essential tasks like vacuuming the floor mats in the car, cloroxing the doorknobs, doing fifteen jumping jacks while saying "I will not be rude", etcetera. And something I love about Paul - he may grumble and smirk and mock before the chore, but he's usually happy as can be while doing the chore and is a delight after. Plus, Trent or I generally supervise and/or help, then thank him, so it builds that all-important sense of attachment and connection to the family. Awesome. Plus the doorknobs are germ-free.

So my house has been fairly clean in the weeks between Christmas and January 12.

But there were also some big perks to Paul's birthday. One, he turned seven, which he thought was a really big deal. And as a result he grew some leaps and bounds developmentally in certain areas. He came to us very independent and street smart but also terrified. He regressed a bit as he learned to be a protected, loved, cherished child of ours. But now that he's seven he's taking back some of that independence in healthy, more appropriate ways.

And also - he was so, so excited! We had a Ninjago birthday party, and he helped make some of the party favors. SO FUN!

We made Ninjago cupcakes

And Ninjago bubbles, Ninjago Tootsie Roll Pops, Ninjago postcards, Ninjago magnets

And my mom made these Ninja headbands!

* Disclaimer: I got ALL these ideas and many of the downloadable pictures from Google search and a website, Craft Interrupted. You can put those Ninjago eyes on anything and make it look Ninja-cool.

I always stress about numbers at parties. I don't know why. I think I read somewhere that until age 10, a good rule of thumb is the child's age plus one. After ten it's the child's age minus one. Or something like that. We tend to bribe Sam with a birthday vacation, thus avoiding the need for a party altogether. But this was Paul's first birthday with us and, well, we couldn't get the days off for a vacation. So we went with inviting the boys in his class plus a couple of close friends plus his cousins. With a few absent due to illness, it worked out to nine kids, just a bit over my magic number of age plus one. It was a wonderful, manageable number, not too overwhelming, and Paul will be finished with thank you notes sometime before February.

We had the party at Louisville Gymnastics - an hour of running, climbing, jumping, swinging
on a rainy day with someone else in charge and not at my (albeit clean) house. Priceless.

All in all, a special day for a special boy with his forever family who loves him so, so much.