1. What doesn't kill you MAY make you stronger IF this thing that does not kill you is a moderate and predictable and developmentally appropriate stress and IF you have the blessing of having been loved and cared for and supported by the adults in your life. Things like failing a test because you didn't study and consequently having TV-time replaced with STUDY time. Things like not making the cut because you didn't practice or don't put forth effort and realizing that if you want it you're going to have to bust your butt. Things like falling off your bike and scraping your knee and getting it all bandaged up and loved on so you can go try again. Even things like learning to confront meanness or unfairness in an assertive, dignity-protecting way. I'm quite a fan of these "isn't killing you" experiences, which is why my son was breaking down and hauling boxes with his dad before dawn instead of watching television.
But, and here's the tricky bit, these love-and-logic "not killing you" experiences work best in the context of safe and fair and loving relationships. These love-and-logic "not killing you" experiences work only if the child's dignity and spirit are valued. Parents, teachers and coaches of highly sensitive people or of children from hard places must walk a fine line between correcting versus humiliating, between instructing versus devaluing. Otherwise we move into items #2 or #3, see below.
2. Even if what does not kill you IS a significant or unpredictable stressor, like slicing open your knee in the middle of rural Mexico or public humiliation or surviving a natural disaster or coping with a chronic illness or even the death a loved one, IF the child has a reliable adult or adults to help buffer the stress this thing may, with support and God's great healing, make them stronger. "Because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope." (Romans 5:4). But to realize this hope takes time, sometimes therapy, the support of loving relationships, and always the comfort and power of God.
3. If what does not kill you is severe, unpredictable and prolonged, it may in fact cause changes in the wiring of the brain that completely overwhelms the ability to cope and, rather than making you stronger, can make you enraged, anxious, antisocial, depressed, even suicidal. There is healing and strength, but it requires all of God's strength, power and comfort, and all of the hands-and-feet love of His people. This healing may not look like we want it to look. It may not look stronger. It may be messy and filled with hurt. It is all the cracks and brokenness and weakness through which only God's strength can shine.
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