Vacationing (strikethrough) Traveling with Children

As it is the summer season here in the United States, many of you have already considered or are considering taking the ubiquitous family summer vacation. Having just returned from said vacation, I have a few tips for those of you vacationing with children:

1. Revamp your wording. You must first stop thinking of this as a vacation. According to Miriam-Webster.com, a vacation is 1) a respite or a time of respite from something. A vacation is intended as a time of relaxation. If you have young children, then what you are doing is not vacationing. What you are doing is traveling. Your children will continue to expect you to feed them, clean up after them and tolerate their many shades of whining. You will be doing essentially the same things you do for them at home, but in a different and more difficult environment. This subtle but very important word shift will go a long way toward defining your expectations.

* Note: If you are a parent with young children who do, in fact, allow you to relax while traveling to unfamiliar locations, then this blog is not for you. Because if you are a parent with young children who allow you to relax, then YOU DO NOT NEED A VACATION!

2. Be at your best. Vacationing traveling with young children requires you to be in tip-top shape. Start preparing well in advance. A twelve-week boot camp prior to your vacation travels is highly recommended. You will be chasing and swimming and biking nonstop. The child will NOT be tired (see tip #4) and you will be expected to keep up with him at all times. If your child struggles with new experiences, he may freak out  during the long car ride (see tip #3 and #6) and you may have to chase him a quarter mile up a mountain somewhere in Tennessee. Wrenching your back severely enough to require a trip to the hospital is not recommended (unless you are opting for tip #7), nor is getting a bad cold on day one of the trip.

3. Stay close to home. If you must vacation travel with young children, do so close to home. Within two hours is the maximum preferred driving distance. Anything longer than that requires supreme fortitude and planning (see tip #5). You may not live within two hours of a beach or mountains or anything at all, really, and you may THINK that a 10-hour car ride is manageable. You would be wrong. (See warning in tip #2).

4. Don't listen to people who try to tell you that taking your child on a 10-hour trip to the beach is a good idea because swimming at the beach will make him tired. This is misleading. You will hear, "Swimming at the beach will make him tired" and you will think, "Early bedtime - hooray!" This is NOT the kind of tired to which they are referring. Oh, no. Your child will NOT go to bed early because he is vacationing traveling and the bed/blanket/room/condo is new and different and weird. No, this tired is kind of tired that brings on grumpiness and tears at the most inopportune moments, such as family picture time when everyone is meant to be smiling and happy. And so you will get family pictures like this:

5. If you ignore tips #3 and #4 and decide to drive 10+ hours ANYWAY, then you must prepare accordingly. Bring approximately ten times more toys and activities for the car ride than you anticipate needing because you will need them. Each toy/coloring activity/video game/movie will hold his attention for approximately five seconds. You will then need to redirect his attention to the next new toy/coloring activity/video game/movie or face the ceaseless and volume-escalating questioning of "Are we there yet?" and "When will we be there?"

6. Pack lots of food. More than you think. (See tip #5). This will offer a brief respite of quiet while his mouth is full. But whatever you do, do NOT allow him to buy a suspicious-looking orange push-pop type thing in the gas station thinking, "Sure, go crazy, live a little, we're on vacation traveling." Because this suspicious-looking orange push-pop type thing contains red 40 and if you didn't believe red 40 incites craziness in certain individuals, you will quickly become a believer as you huff a quarter mile up a mountain somewhere in Tennessee.

7. Valium and other pain pills. I'm told that taking valium and laying in the backseat of the minivan because you have a hurt back makes the ten plus hour trip feel rather floaty and fun. I cannot speak to this PERSONALLY because I had to DRIVE.

8. Dramamine. This we discovered by accident. My daughter tends to get carsick. When she was young we tried wristbands and ginger and other all-natural stuff, to no avail. So we gave her dramamine, which cured the carsickness. We also discovered that dramamine has a most beneficial side effect - SLEEPINESS! Sleeping sleepiness, not just grumpy sleepiness. So can I help it if my kids get carsick?

9.  Exceed the recommended adult to child ratio. You may think two adults to one child is workable, but if you have not adequately prepared for this trip (see tip #2), the one child's energy will quickly exceed that of the two adults. Adding a responsible teenager to the mix may be beneficial, but only if you can threaten and/or bribe the teenager. (I.e. "This is NOT your vacation. This is your JOB. This is how you are working off the cost of that plane ticket to Europe.) Even better if you can invite Nana and Papa to join you for part of the week. This will NOT change your child's behavior, but it will give you a break. You may worry about Nana and Papa's sanity when they offer to take the children for the evening so you can go on a date, but this will be the BEST THING EVER. Papa may take your child to Chick Fil'a where he will play happily in the play place for two hours while you and your husband enjoy a romantic dinner watching the rain lash the Atlantic Ocean.

10. Sponge Bob will buy you thirty minutes of quiet. You may think this is the most asinine cartoon ever, but while on vacation at the beach it does have certain educational value. ("See, crabby patties! That's what Mama ordered at the restaurant.")

11. Forget your wallet. Your child will realize quite quickly that the little beach kiosks sell TOYS, and he will bug you relentlessly for those toys. If you leave your wallet at the condo, then you will not be lying when you say, "Oh, I would love to buy you a toy, but I don't have my money." (If you are staying in one of those posh hotels that will charge purchases to your room, then you're out of luck.) This will work approximately one time before your child sneaks your wallet into the beach bag. Then you must lie and tell your child that the beach takes a different kind of money. "We're in the South, you see." 

12. Enjoy the moments. When your child jumps his first waves and declares the Atlantic Ocean, "The best pool ever!" When he digs a hole deep enough to bury himself and your daughter crafts a mermaid body (complete with double D's) on top. When you bike with oohs and aahs under live oaks with "hair" and past ponds with alligators, turtles, herons, egrets. When you spot a black tipped shark and a pod of dolphins in the ocean, and he realizes these animals his classmates reported on at school are really real. When he samples a fried shrimp at the farmers market and does the happy food dance. When he and your daughter play happily with no fighting, picking or whining. When you explore a new place and he gets it - really gets it - that no one gets left behind. When you come home again and look at the pictures and everyone remembers the fun and asks, "When can we go to the beach again?"