No Child Left Behind

Report card time for elementary and middle school in the 'Ville. Lots of buzz and consternation. Fortunately, even though I work part-time as an elementary guidance counselor, I don't get a lot of parent phone calls about grades. Perhaps that's because, while empathetic, I am rather ambivalent about grades. (Unless my principal is reading this, in which case I am totally on board!) Grades are a helpful tool. If a child's grades drop dramatically from one year to the next or one quarter to the next, it's often a warning sign that something is going on emotionally or behaviorally. If a child's grades don't match his abilities - that's another clue something may be amiss. And if grades start to tick up after implementing interventions, that's often a sign that the interventions are making a positive impact. But grades aren't the be-all-end-all.  They often only measure one particular element of a child's learning. And I tend to relate best to those "outside the box" thinkers whose genius is measured in other ways.

So, in light of the controversy over No Child Left Behind, I came up with some new grade guidelines based on particular personalities and the potential future careers of those children. Let's use a test about the voyages of Christopher Columbus as example:

Potential medical personnel, engineers and accountants: In order to receive an A, this group must not only score 100% on all multiple choice and fill-in-the-blank questions, they must also recognize potential problems with the voyage and create a foolproof plan to resolve those problems. For example: Several of the sailors on the Columbus voyage presented with symptoms of malaise and lethargy, as well as spots on the skin and spongy gums. They should all take a multi-vitamin that is high in ascorbic acid. This group, however, should never, ever be graded on handwriting. They must be allowed to use a keyboard at all times. Or an administrative assistant.

Inventors, computer geniuses, astrophysicists: This group can get wrong answers over and over again, so long as they keep trying. They don't even need to remember where they put their pencil or their social studies book or their test paper. They earn an A for sheer inventiveness. I can't remember the names of the ships, but I've designed a new engine for those ships. It runs on hydro-electric power. See, as the ocean water moves through the engine, a specialized filtration system cleans the ocean of all toxic substances, making it safe for marine life.

News anchors, politicians, advertising executives: They don't need correct answers either, so long as they are charming and persuasive. They earn bonus points if their answers, while wrong, are convincing and inspire fear. Columbus? He invaded our country once, and he could do it again! If you vote for me (buy our products/stay tuned) I will work to personally ensure your safety!

Investigative journalists, lawyers, college professors: For this group, the answers in the social studies curriculum are nothing more than a starting point. The "Columbus set sail in 1492" answer alone is not complete. This group earns an A only if they unearth primary sources. If those sources conflict with conventional wisdom about Columbus, all the better, so long as they correctly cite their research. The great x20 grandson of a Taino islander on what is now Haiti claims that Columbus incorrectly blamed the Taino for the destruction of his fort. "It was a hurricane," says Pierre Guillame in an exclusive interview. Then Columbus demanded tribute, "Impossible tribute from which Haiti never recovered."

Athletes, construction workers, military personnel, entrepreneurs: Dates and dry facts are not required for these kids. No, to receive an A this group should reenact the journey - ships, crew, ocean crossing, native people groups, the whole deal. And teachers don't have to worry about funding - the enterpreneurs will take care of ensuring this is a money-making operation. Just be sure to get parental consent forms and liability waivers, for the subset of potential lawyers who don't want to deal with primary sources and are looking for a quick buck.

Teachers, counselors, pastors, youth workers: Correct answers are a plus for this group, but even more important is how they use their knowledge to help others. A handy way to remember the date is to use a little rhyme: "In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue." See how easy that is? Now, how would you feel if you were a sailor on one of Columbus's ship? How would you feel if you were an islander when you saw those ships for the first time? Would you be scared? Practicing positive thinking is a helpful way to cope with fear of the unknown.

Writers, artists, musicians, actors, dancers: Grades? Seriously? Can you give a grade to beauty? To adventure? To the power of the human imagination? Sunlight danced over the waves like diamonds, filling the heads of the sailors with visions of untold wealth hidden deep in the verdant jungle. The billowing sails blotted out the face of the sun. The sudden shadow mirrored in the hearts of the islanders. It's ART, people. Art inspires, illuminates, creates. It should never be subject to something as mundane as a grade.

Children who have been fostered and/or adopted: This group fits into the above personalities, of course, but they may also have their own past traumas that they bring to the school desk. Those traumas may impact their future potential if not allowed to heal in a safe environment. School may be a solace for these kids, a place of stability, but it may also be an added stressor. What's key for these kids is to learn to express and cope positively with their feelings. Columbus freaks me out, taking people from one country to another the way he did. I don't know why, but this makes me think of my first family. But I'm learning my second family will never leave me and will always love me. Grades aren't as much of a concern as is learning to live in a family, learning how and whom to trust, learning that they have inherent value, learning that they do, in fact, have a future. No child left behind.